Funny Quotes


When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord doesn’t work that way so I stole one & asked Him to forgive me.
Emo Phillips


Is it progress if a cannibal uses a knife &fork?
Stanislaw Lec


 Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don’t eat pork.  I’m sorry, what was that last one?? Don’t eat pork. God has spoken.  Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?
Jon Stewart


 A lady came up to me on the street & pointed at my suede jacket.  ‘You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?’ she sneered.
I replied in a psychotic tone, ‘I didn’t know there were any witnesses. Now I’ll have kill you too.’
Jake Johansen


 We live in a country where John Lennon takes six bullets in the chest. Yoko Ono is standing right next to him. Not one f—ing bullet. Explain that to me! Explain that to me!
Dennis Leary


A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing
Emo Phillips


“Instant gratification takes too long.”

Carrie Fisher


There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Steven Wright (1955 – )


That’s the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me

Jerry Seinfeld


“Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.”
Woody Allen


“Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.”
Rodney Dangerfield


“Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships.”
Sharon Stone


“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.”
Rod Stewart


Sure, the lion is king of the jungle but airdrop him into Antarctica, and he’s just a penguin’s bitch
Dennis Miller


If I found her floating in my pool, I’d punish my dog.
Joan Rivers on Yoko Ono


If you can’t live without me, why aren’t you dead already?

Cynthia Heimel


“They say that when you play a Microsoft CD backwards you can hear demonic voices….But that’s nothing – When you play it forwards it installs Windows.”



The only genius with an IQ of 60.
Gore Vidal on Andy Warhol


“The reason fat people are happy is that the nerves are well protected.”
Luciano Pavarotti


“Absolutely not.”

— Microsoft chief Bill Gates, asked if would buy a special U2 edition of the iPod, made by rival Apple, now that he’s friends with Bono.

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