Bitter and Sarcastic



“A patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government.”

–Edward Abbey


“Stay with me; I want to be alone”

–Joey Adams


“A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing.”

–Joey Adams


“Don’t worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas are any good, you’ll have to ram them down people’s throats.”
Howard Aiken


“A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can do
nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done.”
Fred Allen

“Events unfold so unpredictably, so unfairly, human happiness does not seem to have been included in the design of creation. It is only we, with our capacity to love, that give meaning to the indifferent universe.”
Woody Allen, Crimes and Misdemeanors


“You have delighted us long enough.”
Jane Austen


I refuse to enter a wet T-Shirt Contest until my breasts look more like breasts, and less like something I should tuck into my pants.

Kelli Jae Baeli


“People seem to enjoy things more when they know a lot of other people have been left out of the pleasure.”

–Russel Baker


“A bureaucrat is a Democrat who holds some office that a Republican wants.”

–Alben W. Barkley


“The word aerobics comes from two Greek words: aero, meaning “ability to,” and bics, meaning “withstand tremendous boredom.”

–Dave Barry


“Scientists tell us that the fastest animal on earth, with a top speed of 120 feet per second, is a cow that has been dropped out of a helicopter.”
Dave Barry


“What Women Want: To be loved, to be listened to, to be desired, to be respected, to be needed, to be trusted, and sometimes, just to be held. What Men Want: Tickets for the world series.”
Dave Barry


“The old system of having a baby was much better than the new system. The old system being characterized by the fact that the man didn’t have to watch.”
Dave Barry


“The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes.”
Dave Barry


“Magnetism is one of the Six Fundamental Forces of the Universe, with the other five being Gravity, Duct Tape, Whining, Remote Control, and the Force that Pulls Dogs toward the Groins of Strangers.”

Dave Barry


“You can only be young once. But, you can always be immature.”
Dave Barry


“It is not necesssary to understand things in order to argue about them.”

–Caron de Beaumarchais


“Calamities are of two kinds: misfortunes to ourselves, and good fortune to others.”

–Ambrose Bierce


“I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here.”

–Stephen Bishop


“One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child’s name and how old he or she is.”

–Erma Bombeck


“I do not participate in any sport with ambulances at the bottom of a hill.”

–Erma Bombeck


“We have women in the military, but they don’t put us in the front lines. They don’t know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, “You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms.”
Elayne Boosler


“He was happily married, but his wife wasn’t.”
Victor Borge


“Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.”

–Ashleigh Brillant


“The one function that TV news performs very well is that when there is no news we give it to you with the same emphasis as if it were.”

–David Brinkley


“I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.”

–A. Whitney Brown


“I won’t say ours was a tough school, but we had our own coroner.We used to write essays like: What I’m going to be if I grow up.”

–Lenny Bruce


“Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the victems he intends to eat until he eats them.”

–Samuel Butler


“Automatic simply means that you can’t repair it yourself.”

–Frank Capra


“Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot,
and anyone going faster than you is a moron.”
George Carlin


“If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire.”

–George Carlin


“When people say “Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too”. Fuck off. What good is a goddamn cake you can’t eat? What should I eat, someone else’s cake instead?”

–George Carlin


“Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a
bank robbery has just taken place.”
Johnny Carson

“A modest little person, with much to be modest about.”
Winston Churchill


“You don’t have to suffer to be a poet; adolescence is enough suffering for anyone.”

–John Ciardi


“I find it rather easy to protray a businessman. Being bland, rather cruel and incompetent comes naturally to me.’

–John Cleese


“Mail your packages early so the Post Office can lose them in time for Christmas.”

–Johnny Carson


“If we are the only intelligent life in the universe, at least there’s a finite number of idiots.”

–Steven Coallier


“I believe in luck: how else can you explain the success of those you don’t like”

–Jean Cocteau


“Cookbooks bear the same relation to real books that microwave food bears to your grandmother’s.”

–Andrei Codrescu


“A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Pass.
Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for sixteen hardened criminals.”
Ronnie Corbett

“Don’t spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt; donate it to the
Salvation Army instead. They’ll clean it and put it on a hanger and
next morning you can buy it back for seventy-five cents.”
William Coronel

“I don’t believe in astrology. The only stars I can blame for my failures are those that walk about the stage.”

–Noel Coward


“The trouble with children is that they are not returnable.”

–Quentin Crisp


“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.”
Clarence Darrow


“You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking
five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know
where the hell she is.”
Ellen DeGeneris

“An appeal is when you ask one court to show it’s contempt for another court.”

–Finley Peter Dunne


“I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore

–Dave Edison


“Never judge a book by its movie.”

–J.W. Eagan


“History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives.”

–Abba Eban


“If A is a success in life, then A equals X plus Y plus Z. Work is X; Y is play; and Z is keeping your mouth shut.”

–Albert Einstein


“He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.”
William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)


“Early morning cheerfulness can be extremely obnoxious.”

–William Feather


“You can’t find any true closeness in Hollywood, because everybody does the fake closeness so well.”

–Carrie Fisher


“Instant gratification takes too long.”

–Carrie Fisher


“To be stupid, selfish, and have good health are three requirements for happiness, though if stupidity is lacking, all is lost.”

–Gustave Flaubert


“Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.”

–Redd Foxx


“Hell hath no fury like a bureaucrat scorned.”

–Milton Friedman


“Don’t you wish there were a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence? There’s one marked ‘Brightness,’ but it doesn’t work”



“I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers.”



As regards rap music, I believe that the ‘c’ is silent.

–Dr. Tony Giles


“Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious.”

–Brendan Gill


“At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the
second day you’re off it. “
Jackie Gleason

“The meek shall inherit the earth, but not the mineral rights.”
J. Paul Getty


“When ideas fail, words come in very handy.”


“People come to Washington believing it is the center of power. I know I did. It was only much later that I learned that Washington is a steering wheel that’s not connected to an engine.”

–Richard Goodwin


“I have a daughter who goes to SMU. She could’ve gone to UCLA here
in California, but it’s one more letter she’d have to remember. “
Shecky Greene

“Despite a lifetime of service to the cause of sexual liberation, I have never caught venereal disease, which makes me feel rather like an Arctic explorer who has never had frostbite.”
Germaine Greer


“Just when you realize life’s a bitch, it has puppies.”

–Adrienne E. Gusoff


“We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can’t scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.”

–Jack Handey


“If you can’t live without me, why aren’t you dead already?”

–Cynthia Heimel


“Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?”
Ernest Hemingway


“Death will be a great relief. No more interviews.”

–Katherine Hepburn


“We experience moments absolutely free from worry. These brief respites are called panic.”
Cullen Hightower


“This paperback is very interesting, but I find it will never replace a hardcover book — it makes a very poor doorstop.”

–Alfred Hitchcock


“I understand the inventor of the bagpipes was inspired when he saw a man carrying an indignant, asthmatic pig under his arm. Unfortunately, the manmade sound never equalled the purity of the sound achieved by the pig.”

–Alfred Hitchcock


“There are several differences between a footballl game and a revolution. For one thing, a football game usually lasts longer and the participants wear uniforms. Also there are more injuries at a football game.”

–Alfred Hitchcock


“Seeing a murder on television can help work off one’s antagonisms. And if you haven’t any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.”

–Alfred Hitchcock


“When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other.”

–Eric Hoffer


“A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist.”

–Elbert Hubbard


“A good listener is usually thinking about something else.”

–Kin Hubbard


“Nothing is as irritating as the fellow who chats pleasantly while he’s overcharging you.”

–Kin Hubbard


“The fellow that agrees with everything you say is either a fool or he is getting ready to skin you.”

–Kin Hubbard


“One of the simple but genuine pleasures in life is getting up in the morning and hurrying to a mousetrap you set the night before.”

–Kin Hubbard


“Ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you mad.”

–Aldous Huxley


“Most human beings have an almost infinite capacity for taking things for granted.”

–Aldous Huxley


“Events in the past may be roughly divided into those which probably never happened and those which do not matter.”

–W. R. Inge


“You will find it a distinct help… if you know and look as if you know what you are doing.”

–IRS training manual


“Everyone has a right to a university degree in America, even if it’s in Hamburger Technology.”

–Clive James


“We English are good at forgiving our enemies; it releases us from the obligation of liking our friends.”

–P.D. James


“Banking establishments are more dangerous than standing armies.”

–Thomas Jefferson


“The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that carries any reward.”

–John Maynard Keynes


“The nice thing about being a celebrity is that when you bore people, they think it’s their fault.”

–Henry Kissinger


“Ninty percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad name.”

–Henry Kissinger


“An economist is a man who states the obvious in terms of the incomprehensible.”

–Alfred A. Knopf


“Everyone who ever walked barefoot into his child’s room late at night hates Legos.”

–Tony Kornheiser


“Both the cockroach and the bird could get along very well without us, although the cockroach would miss us most.”

–Joseph Wood Krutch


“The trouble with America isn’t that the poetry of life has turned to prose, but that it has turned to advertising copy.”

–Louis Kronenberger


“Advertising: The science of arresting the human intelligence long
enough to get money from it.”
Stephen Leacock

“Radio news is bearable. This is due to the fact that while the news is being broadcast, the disk jockey is not allowed to talk.”

–Fran Lebowitz


“My mom was a ventriloquist & she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.”

–Wendy Leibman


“I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.”
Carol Leifer

“Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.”

–David Letterman


“Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.”

–Oscar Levant


“I wish I’d known you when you were alive.”

–Leonard Louis Levinson


“Advertising is a valuable economic factor because it is the cheapest way of selling goods, especially if they are worthless.”

–Sinclair Lewis


“People will buy anything that is ‘one to a customer.”

–Sinclair Lewis

“We…make the modern error of dignifying the Individual. We do everything we can to butter him up. We give him a name, assure him that he has certain inalienable rights, educate him, let him pass on his name to his brats and when he dies we give him a special hole in the ground… But after all, he’s only a seed, a bloom and a withering stalk among pressing billions. Your Individual is a pretty disgusting, vain, lewd little bastard… By God, he has only one right guaranteed to him in Nature, and that is the right to die and stink to Heaven.”
Ross Lockridge, “Short Lives, by Katinka Matson”


“Never trust a man who combs his hair straight from his left armpit.”

–Alice Roosevelt Longworth


“Once a newspaper touches a story, the facts are lost forever, even to the protagonists.”

–Norman Mailer


“She plunged into a sea of platitudes, and with the powerful breast stroke of a channel swimmer, made her confident way towards the white cliffs of the obvious.”

–W. Somerset Maugham


“No, Groucho is not my real name. I am breaking it in for a friend.”

–Groucho Marx


“I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.”

–Groucho Marx


“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”

–Groucho Marx


“I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.”

–Groucho Marx


“Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.”

–Edward Shepherd Mead


“Don’t be humble. You’re not that great.”

–Golda Meir


“It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has decended from man.”

–H.L. Mencken


“Say what you will about the ten commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them.”

–H.L. Mencken


“For every problem, there is a solution which is simple, neat, and wrong.”
H. L. Mencken


“Nothing fixes a thing so intensely in memory as the wish to forget it.”



“Our national flower is the concrete cloverleaf.”

–Lewis Mumford


“The trouble with a kitten is that it eventually beomes a cat.”

–Ogden Nash


“Cab drivers are living proof that practice does not make perfect.”

–Howard Ogden


“Never raise your hand to your children; it leaves your midsection unprotected.”

–Robert Orben


“Politics is the skilled use of blunt objects.”

–Lester Pearson


“Bureaucracy defends the status quo long past the time when the quo has lost its status.”

–Laurence J. Peter


“Equal opportunity means everyone will have a fair chance at being incompetent.”

-Laurence J. Peter


“When I wake up in the morning, I just can’t get started until I’ve had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I’ve tried other enemas.”
Emo Philips


“Some mornings it just doesn’t seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.”
Emo Philips


“People always ask me, “Where were you when Kennedy was shot?” Well, I don’t have an alibi.”
Emo Philips


“In our school, you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in; and, if you didn’t have any, they gave you some.”
Emo Philips


“I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: Well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And, I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.”
Emo Philips


“How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand.”
Emo Philips


“I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don’t seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.”
Emo Philips


“A financier is a pawnbroker with imagination.”

–Arthur Wing Pinero


“Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn’t block traffic.”

–Dan Rather


“It is after you have lost your teeth that you can afford to buy steaks.”

–Pierre August Renoir


“He can’t help it – he was born with a silver foot in his mouth.”

–Ann Richards


“There ought to be one day — just one — where there is open season on senators.”

–Will Rogers


“When those waiters ask me if I want some fresh ground pepper, I ask if they have any aged pepper.”

–Andy Rooney


“No degree of dullness can safeguard a work against the determination of critics to find it facinating.”

–Harold Rosenberg


“In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.”

–Rita Rudner


“My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can’t decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.”

–Rita Rudner


“I want to have children and I know my time is running out: I want to have them while my parents are still young enough to take care of them.”

–Rita Rudner


“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”

–Rita Rudner


“Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That’s how rich I want to be.”

–Rita Rudner


“I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for
marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.”
Rita Rudner


“Acting is like roller skating. Once you know how to do it, it is neither stimulating nor exciting.”

–George Sanders


“In order to fully realize how bad a popular play can be, it is necessary to see it twice.”

George Bernard Shaw


“There are only two classes in good society in England: the equestrian class and the neurotic class.”

–George Bernard Shaw


“The English are not very spiritual people, so they invented cricket to give them some idea of eternity.”

–George Bernard Shaw


“The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech.”
George Bernard Shaw


“If the French were really intelligent, they’d speak English.”

–Wilfred Sheed


“Everything is drive-through. In California they even have a burial
service called Jump-In-The-Box.”
Wil Shriner


“I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather … not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.”
Will Shriner


“The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not
be caught dead in otherwise.”
Roger Simon

“Aren’t we forgeting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa?”

–Bart Simpson


“A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car “

–Carrie Snow


“Those who cast the votes decide nothing. Those who count the votes decide everything.” —Josef Stalin


“Death solves all problems: no man, no problem.”

–Joseph Stalin


“Politics is perhaps the only profession for which no preparation is thought necessary.”

–Robert Louis Stevenson


“I regard you with an indifference closely bordering on aversion.”

–Robert Louis Stevenson


“Some people approach every problem with an open mouth.”

–Adlai Stevenson


“Skill without imagination is craftsmanship and gives us many useful objects such as wickerwork and picnic baskets. Imagination without skill gives us modern art.”

–Tom Stoppard


“Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.”

–Johnathan Swift


“If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons.”

–James Thurber


“Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.”

–James Thurber


“The trouble with the rat race is even if you win you’re still a rat.”

–Lily Tomlin


“I personally think we developed language because of our deep need to complain.”

–Lily Tomlin


“The national sport of England is obstacle racing. People fill their rooms with useless and cumbersome furniture, and spend the rest of their lives trying to dodge it.”

–Herbert Beerbohm Tree


“If law school is so hard to get through, how come there are so many

–Calvin Trillin


“Canada is a country whose main exports are hockey players and cold fronts. Our main imports are baseball players and acid rain.”

–Pierre Trudeau


“He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.”

–Forrest Tucker


“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.”

–Mark Twain


“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”
Mark Twain


“Familiarity breeds contempt — and children.”

–Mark Twain


“Honesty is the best policy — when there is money in it.”

–Mark Twain


“Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer.”

–Mark Twain


“I would like to live in Manchester, England. The transition between Manchester and death would be unnoticeable.”

–Mark Twain


“Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.”

–Mark Twain


“If you can find something everyone agrees on, it’s wrong.”

–Mo Udall


“A healthy adult male bore consumes each year one and a half times his own weight in other people’s patience.”

–John Updike


“If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of an expert saying it can’t be done.”

–Peter Ustinov


“Muscles come and go; flab lasts.”

–Bill Vaughan


“A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.”
Gore Vidal


“Today’s public figures can no longer write their own speeches or books, and there is some evidence that they can’t read them either.”

–Gore Vidal


“Having the critics praise you is like having the hangman say you’ve got a pretty neck.”

–Eli Wallach


“Every time a baseball player grabs his crotch, it makes him spit. That’s why you should never date a baseball player.”

–Marsha Warfield


“Actions lie louder than words.”

–Carolyn Wells


“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.”
Oscar Wilde


“Women are never disarmed by compliments. Men always are. That is the difference between the sexes.”

–Oscar Wilde


“It is only by not paying one’s bills that one can hope to live in the memory of the commercial classes.”

–Oscar Wilde


“The basis of action is lack of imagination. It is the last resource of those who know not how to dream.”
Oscar Wilde


“It is only the intellectually lost who ever argue.”

–Oscar Wilde


“Between men and women there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship.”

–Oscar Wilde


“I often have long conversations all by myself, and I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.”

–Oscar Wilde


“He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.”

–Billy Wilder


What I lack in decorum, I make up for with an absence of tact.

–Don Williams, Jr.


“I don’t know why we are here. But, I’m pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.”
Ludwig Wittgenstein


“All the things I really like to do are either illegal, immoral, or fattening.”

–Alexander Wolcott


“There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.”

–Steven Wright


“An incompetent attorney can delay a trial for months or years. A competent attourney can delay one even longer.”

–Evelle J. Younger


“The United States is a nation of laws: badly written and randomly enforced.”

–Frank Zappa






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