The Five: Or, How did a guy like that get a girl like that?

Growing up as a shy, overweight guy, I always wondered how the dating scene worked.  Most of the time, it made sense.  You would see the hunky captain of the football team dating a cheerleader, for example, or you would see an average guy with an average girl.  Usually, guys and girls of the same station, economically, culturally and physically (though I am no judge of male beauty) would hook up.  If anything, a guy would hook up with a girl who was from a lower group socially, culturally, economically or physically.  It never seemed to work the other way around.

But then there were the oddballs: the average guy who scored the unusually hot girl (and I do not mean while she was drunk and passed out).  You would see a picture of John Candy with a model-quality lady clinging to his arm, or Julia freaking Roberts with a guy like Lyle Lovett.  As a guy who was pretty well terrified of anything in a skirt, buy highly attracted to them (especially the pretty ones), this concept fascinated me.  Seeing how these beautiful women, never gave me the time of day, I began to pay attention and take notes. 

What I discovered was a theory that, although it did not help me in my own pursuit of the elusive prize, it did explain these relationships with a high degree of accuracy.  It is really a simple mathematical formula that I call ‘The Five.’

The way it works is this: there are five qualities that a guy can have that will allow him to pick up a beautiful woman.  If you have even one of them, you can pull a ‘model-quality’ lady.  If you have two of these qualities, you can pick up a woman who is “actress/world class model quality.”  And, if you have three, of these, there are no limits.  You can have any woman that you want, right up to A-list quality actresses.  I have seen one or two people who actually have had four of the qualities (the bastards).  I am sure that I cannot even begin to imagine the kinds of scenes that they cam string together.

I have never seen a person who had all five of the qualities.  There may be something about the fabric of the universe that keeps this from actually occurring.  I would imaging some sort of ‘Pied Piper’ effect in which women would be unable to resist simply following a guy around who had all five of the qualities (much like the end of Love Potion Number Nine, a very cute movie if you have not seen it).

So what are ‘The Five?’

They are Good Looks, Money (being rich), Fame, Power and Musical Talent (being able to play a musical instrument and/or sing).  It seems pretty simple and basically logical on its face, but if you will take the time to apply The Five to any relationship that you wonder about, you will find that The Five will always give an adequate explanation as to why he got her.

Advertisements

3 Responses

  1. I still say that no matter how many of the five you have, you still wouldn’t be able to get Queen Elizabeth.

  2. Who hasn’t?

  3. […] Hate Michael MooreGreen, the Color of VomitTop 100 Creepy People 31-40Top 100 Creepy People #10-1The Five: Or, How did a guy like that get a girl like that?Top 100 Creepy People […]

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: