Paula Abdul, An American Id…iot.

Find my latest American Idol article here.

It seems that every season we are faced with the same question: What the hell is up with Paula?  In the past, there has been ample evidence that she has shown up for judgings and the show drunk (or high, or both), but it’s more than that.

So you have the number one rated show in television that just happens to be one of the most popular shows in history.  Can it really be improved?  Should you tinker with a good thing?  Not many television executives are willing to put their head in that noose, but the answer is, yes.  Yes, it is time to get rid of the most useless thing on the show, Paula.

Her mind-numbing babble is enough to drive a person insane.  This week I was talking to a friend who said that he had to remind his wife that they had just put their two and three year olds to bed after she screamed, “Shut the F— Up!” at the television screen while Paula was rambling on.

She is not relevant.  These judges are put on the show to give an objective opinion.  She, however, is incapable of giving an objective opinion.  Her only good points come when she is reiterating what Randy just said, and this is most of the time.  This is her best option, though, because if she tries to grab one of the other thoughts rattling around in that head of hers, she sounds like a moron. 

Simon showed dismissive impatience with her during Brooke’s performance last night.  After delivering a beautiful version of “Love is a Battlefield” with only a guitar accompaniment, Paula said, “I wish there had been more band.”  I actually spoke to the television screen at this point saying, “What?”  Simon rescued the situation by dismissing Paula’s comment and explaining to her and the contestant that the only reason that the song worked like it did was that it only had the guitar.

Often, she does not comment on the performances at all.  She will look at the contestant, and say (almost like a dirty old man), “You look really good tonight.”  Well, that input would be great, if this was a fashion competition, but I want to know about the singing.

It is sad when people with simple vocabularies try to sound smart.  We had an example of this last night as Paula derailed herself and the whole show.  She was actually trying to avoid the bad analogy of color to describe the song that she used last week (I had an acid freak once tell me that he saw music coming from a stereo while he was tripping).  She instead commented that Ramiele’s singing had a lot of “texture.”  Walls have texture.  Sandpaper has texture. Even an orange’s skin has texture.  The human voice has no texture.  It can have a variety of qualities, but not texture.  She was so thrown off by her own comment that it took about 30 seconds (an eternity on television) for her and the show to recover.

It’s also sad when aging women insist on acting like they are thirteen.  Paula is a judge, not a back-up dancer.  Her attempts to dance like a little girl at the foot of the stage at a big concert are somewhere between sad and frightening.  Sit down and take your job seriously.  If you put a little more into evaluating the performance instead of trying to be part of it, you might come up with something good to say before it is your turn, but I doubt it.

At  one point, realizing that the only decent comments that she makes are when she copies Randy, she said, “I wish I went first, because that is what I was about to say.”  Really.  I remember last year when they changed seats for an episode over a fight she was having with Simon.  She looked lost, and could barely come up with anything to say.  No, we don’t want to do that again. 

What if Simon went first, and then Paula?  This would be a train-wreck.  She would be more lost than ever.  She would have to digest Simon’s comment (good luck), and then come up with something on her own.  I can’t imagine this working.

Please, Idol producers, get rid of her.  The show could only get better without Paula, the Sanjaya of judges.

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