When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord doesn’t work that way so I stole one & asked Him to forgive me.
Is it progress if a cannibal uses a knife &fork?
Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don’t eat pork. I’m sorry, what was that last one?? Don’t eat pork. God has spoken. Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?
A lady came up to me on the street & pointed at my suede jacket. ‘You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?’ she sneered.
I replied in a psychotic tone, ‘I didn’t know there were any witnesses. Now I’ll have kill you too.’
We live in a country where John Lennon takes six bullets in the chest. Yoko Ono is standing right next to him. Not one f—ing bullet. Explain that to me! Explain that to me!
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing
“Instant gratification takes too long.”
There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
–Steven Wright (1955 – )
“Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.”
“Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.”
“Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships.”
“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.”
Sure, the lion is king of the jungle but airdrop him into Antarctica, and he’s just a penguin’s bitch
If I found her floating in my pool, I’d punish my dog.
- Joan Rivers on Yoko Ono
If you can’t live without me, why aren’t you dead already?
– Cynthia Heimel
“They say that when you play a Microsoft CD backwards you can hear demonic voices….But that’s nothing – When you play it forwards it installs Windows.”
The only genius with an IQ of 60.
–Gore Vidal on Andy Warhol
“The reason fat people are happy is that the nerves are well protected.”
– Microsoft chief Bill Gates, asked if would buy a special U2 edition of the iPod, made by rival Apple, now that he’s friends with Bono.